10. Gentleman’s Agreement (1947)
I considered a lot of movies for this tenth slot. I debated between the overly-sentimental and blatantly manipulative Forrest Gump, the bl
and Life of Emile Zola, the incoherent Cavalcade, the forcefully upbeat Going My Way, and basically every best Picture winner from the eighties (except Terms of Endearment, Amadeus, Platoon and the Last Emperor), but I ultimately decided upon Gentleman’s Agreement. It’s not as awful as some of the other films you will see on this list, and it’s probably better than some of the ones I chose to leave out, but I decided to include it because this is probably the only best picture winner that completely escaped my mind after I finished seeing it. You’d think a movie tackling Anti-Semitism would be more meaningful, especially considering it followed hard upon the heels of World War II, but the film is so harmless that it’s difficult to even care about the issue at hand, let alone all the side drama that’s going on between the characters. Given I adore Celeste Holm in anything, and she’s good in this, but the film is much too tepid, and much too preachy, to warrant much respect or enthusiasm today.
and Life of Emile Zola, the incoherent Cavalcade, the forcefully upbeat Going My Way, and basically every best Picture winner from the eighties (except Terms of Endearment, Amadeus, Platoon and the Last Emperor), but I ultimately decided upon Gentleman’s Agreement. It’s not as awful as some of the other films you will see on this list, and it’s probably better than some of the ones I chose to leave out, but I decided to include it because this is probably the only best picture winner that completely escaped my mind after I finished seeing it. You’d think a movie tackling Anti-Semitism would be more meaningful, especially considering it followed hard upon the heels of World War II, but the film is so harmless that it’s difficult to even care about the issue at hand, let alone all the side drama that’s going on between the characters. Given I adore Celeste Holm in anything, and she’s good in this, but the film is much too tepid, and much too preachy, to warrant much respect or enthusiasm today. 9. The Broadway Melody (1929)
Let me begin by saying, I did not hate The Broadway Melody. Now, I know what you’re thinking – and yes – there is something wrong with me. I’m the guy who saw Hairspray in theatres four times, and who secretly enjoyed Mamma Mia (Meryl Streep singing? Are you kidding me, who could resist that? I’m only human.) I’m also the guy who listened to nothing but the 8. Dances With Wolves (1990)
Kevin Costner plays an American civil war soldier who finds peace and belonging amongst a Native American tribe who nickname him Dances With Wolves. Oh, you didn’t think Dances with Wolves was a meaningful metaphor or anything did you? No, of course, not! He was actually dancing with wolves – this movie is much too unintelligent to go that deep. How demanding of you anyhow, to expect a shred of in intellect in a four hour long epic that depicts the disintegration of an entire people and their way of life! Fie upon you! Here’s a fun story! I accidentally watched the entire second half of this movie first, and it wasn’t until I went to watch the second disk (actually the first disk) when I realized what I had done. Now my question to you is – how good is a movie actually if you can watch the entire film in reverse and still 
it’s just as coherent and logical as if you watched it from start to finish? Now, what if that movie is a four hour long epic? How important were the first two hours if you could still understand the rest of the movie without seeing them anyways? Furthermore, how necessary were those two hours? The answer? Not very. In fact, none of this movie is very necessary. It’s just four hours of Kevin Costner jerking off to the camera. Now maybe I wouldn’t mind this vanity project if Kevin Costner was even mildly adequate at it, but he just sucks. His performance is an epic fail – not once did I believe he was suicidal at the beginning, or truly experiencing a connection with the native people and the land as the movie progressed. He’s even vain enough to shoot himself in a nude scene (your ass is not all that Kevin Costner!). And don’t even get me started on Mary McDonnell’s outlandish hair cut – she looks like David Bowie in Labyrinth after an Indian gangbang. Admittedly it’s not a horrible movie, but the whole thing is just a long tedious trudge to an ending that nobody really cares about anyways.
it’s just as coherent and logical as if you watched it from start to finish? Now, what if that movie is a four hour long epic? How important were the first two hours if you could still understand the rest of the movie without seeing them anyways? Furthermore, how necessary were those two hours? The answer? Not very. In fact, none of this movie is very necessary. It’s just four hours of Kevin Costner jerking off to the camera. Now maybe I wouldn’t mind this vanity project if Kevin Costner was even mildly adequate at it, but he just sucks. His performance is an epic fail – not once did I believe he was suicidal at the beginning, or truly experiencing a connection with the native people and the land as the movie progressed. He’s even vain enough to shoot himself in a nude scene (your ass is not all that Kevin Costner!). And don’t even get me started on Mary McDonnell’s outlandish hair cut – she looks like David Bowie in Labyrinth after an Indian gangbang. Admittedly it’s not a horrible movie, but the whole thing is just a long tedious trudge to an ending that nobody really cares about anyways. 7. Gladiator (2000)
I had the unfortunate task of re-watching this film in my eleventh grade World History class a couple of years ago. And I can say, truly, honestly from the bottom of my hearts soul… that I hated it. I would’ve preferred listening to my monotone teacher lecture about a Roman bathhouse for an hour and a half then watch this… this… thing. It’s just a dumb, over-indulgent piece of trash. I would much rather re-watch the surveillance tape of Russell Crowe chucking a telephone at a well-meaning hotel employee for two and a half hours straight than endure this mess again
I had the unfortunate task of re-watching this film in my eleventh grade World History class a couple of years ago. And I can say, truly, honestly from the bottom of my hearts soul… that I hated it. I would’ve preferred listening to my monotone teacher lecture about a Roman bathhouse for an hour and a half then watch this… this… thing. It’s just a dumb, over-indulgent piece of trash. I would much rather re-watch the surveillance tape of Russell Crowe chucking a telephone at a well-meaning hotel employee for two and a half hours straight than endure this mess again6. Crash (2005)
Me and my mother watched Crash right before we watched The Family Stone (we were doing a double feature-type thing). Now answer me this – what d
oes Crash have that the Family Stone does not? The Family Stone has decent characters that you care for, right? It has Diane Keaton, being all warm and Diane Keaton-y, right? It has a semi-interesting story that is coherent, right? SO WHY DOESN’T THE FAMILY STONE HAVE AN OSCAR FOR FUCKSAKE! Not that I liked the Family Stone, because it sucked, but the point is, Crash had about eighty characters and I did not have an ounce of sympathy for one (except for maybe the Spanish chick who Sandra Bullock was a bitch too), it had more plotlines than a tranny-hooker has venereal diseases, not to mention the entire film was SO manipulative and over-bearing, yet in 2005 every single voter at the Academy was taking stupid pills or something and thought it would be a good idea, or maybe a really disgusting joke, if they chose Crash as the best film of the year. GOOD ONE OSCAR, JOKES ON ME! The movie absolutely destroys every single quality that makes a film good. Subtlety? Apparently Paul Haggis thinks that’s too much to ask. Why did Matt Dillon touch her like that? RACISM. Why does Sandra Bullock hate that guy? RACISM. Why is Don Cheadle banging that chick? RACISM. Why is Ryan Philippe driving that car? RACISM.Give me a break! If you want to see a more intelligent and accurate approach to racism listen to the song “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist” from Avenue Q, and skip this over pretentious piece of white trash.
oes Crash have that the Family Stone does not? The Family Stone has decent characters that you care for, right? It has Diane Keaton, being all warm and Diane Keaton-y, right? It has a semi-interesting story that is coherent, right? SO WHY DOESN’T THE FAMILY STONE HAVE AN OSCAR FOR FUCKSAKE! Not that I liked the Family Stone, because it sucked, but the point is, Crash had about eighty characters and I did not have an ounce of sympathy for one (except for maybe the Spanish chick who Sandra Bullock was a bitch too), it had more plotlines than a tranny-hooker has venereal diseases, not to mention the entire film was SO manipulative and over-bearing, yet in 2005 every single voter at the Academy was taking stupid pills or something and thought it would be a good idea, or maybe a really disgusting joke, if they chose Crash as the best film of the year. GOOD ONE OSCAR, JOKES ON ME! The movie absolutely destroys every single quality that makes a film good. Subtlety? Apparently Paul Haggis thinks that’s too much to ask. Why did Matt Dillon touch her like that? RACISM. Why does Sandra Bullock hate that guy? RACISM. Why is Don Cheadle banging that chick? RACISM. Why is Ryan Philippe driving that car? RACISM.Give me a break! If you want to see a more intelligent and accurate approach to racism listen to the song “Everyone’s A Little Bit Racist” from Avenue Q, and skip this over pretentious piece of white trash.5. The Great Ziegfeld (1936)
I’ve already explained h
ow much I enjoy a good musical, so you’d think I’d at least spare this turd from my ten worst list, right? How, very wrong you would be. This biopic of the legendary Flo Ziegfeld and his rise to incomparable fame and success moves slower than my invalid grandfather hobbling across the kitchen without his walker. And it’s much less exciting too. (There’s no thrill of “Will Grandpa make it? Won’t he?” offered in this over-indulgent piece of shit). Robert Leonard devotes waaay to much screen time to extravagant musical numbers which become mind-numbingly repetitive about a third way into the first song. There’s also a clear lack of narrative focus, not to mention a disturbing lack of attention placed on Ziegfeld himself – the subject of the whole goddamn film! Besides an extraordinary scene involving Luise Rainer and a telephone, there is nothing to gain from this three hour headache, and by the time the whole ugly thing was done I found myself thinking “God I’m thirsty”. The Academy ditched Modern Times and My Man Godfrey for this. Suck it Oscar! I could’ve read Ziegfeld’s Wikipedia page instead!
ow much I enjoy a good musical, so you’d think I’d at least spare this turd from my ten worst list, right? How, very wrong you would be. This biopic of the legendary Flo Ziegfeld and his rise to incomparable fame and success moves slower than my invalid grandfather hobbling across the kitchen without his walker. And it’s much less exciting too. (There’s no thrill of “Will Grandpa make it? Won’t he?” offered in this over-indulgent piece of shit). Robert Leonard devotes waaay to much screen time to extravagant musical numbers which become mind-numbingly repetitive about a third way into the first song. There’s also a clear lack of narrative focus, not to mention a disturbing lack of attention placed on Ziegfeld himself – the subject of the whole goddamn film! Besides an extraordinary scene involving Luise Rainer and a telephone, there is nothing to gain from this three hour headache, and by the time the whole ugly thing was done I found myself thinking “God I’m thirsty”. The Academy ditched Modern Times and My Man Godfrey for this. Suck it Oscar! I could’ve read Ziegfeld’s Wikipedia page instead!4. Cimarron (1931)
Oh, the joy’s of expansion in the old west! Nothing screams entertainment louder than Richard Dix overacting his way through native territory in this 1931 Best Picture Winner that just keeps going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going, and going…3. My Fair Lady (1964)
Oh dear me. Have words even been invented to describe this loud, obnoxious, annoying musical? Are there any words that illustrate just how vapid, unpleasant, excruciating and noisy this film is? I forget myself! Yes, yes there is, and they are *ahem* - Rex Harrison. I hated just about every moment in this film. From Audrey Hepburn’s screechy and unbearable Cockney voice, which made me want to pull a Van Gogh on my right ear, to Rex Harrison’s, brutal, nay – horrendous, performance as the extremely unlikable Professor Higgins, there is so much to not enjoy. Fuck the Bermuda Triangle, Stone Hedge, the dark side of the moon, and Jack the Ripper – there is no greater mystery on this earth than why in the hell Eliza goes back to the atrociously sexist Henry Higgins at the end of the film. Love-er-ly it ain’t. 2. Around the World in 80 Days (1956)
If you think David Niven, balloons and crazy exotic locations are the greatest thing ever, then you might just enjoy this flick. However, if you attest to owning a shred of intelligence, and like to watch movies where everyone involved still has their dignity at the end (including you!), then you should stay far, far, far, faaar away from this horrendous, over-long nightmare. Three hours of 1. The Greatest Show on Earth (1952)
By the time Betty Hutton started belting out some shitty circus propaganda number by the films end, I just about wished I had killed myself back in eigh
th grade when I thought being picked last for volleyball was the worst thing in the world. I assure you horny, angsty, depressed preteens, it is not. There are things much worse. One of them is called The Greatest Show On Earth. I was scared of circus people before I saw this movie, and I’m still scared of them now, probably even more so. Cecil B DeMille’s horrendous piece of trash is so garish, so over-indulgent, so pointless, so excruciating, that the fact that it was even nominated for an Oscar makes me wonder how the human race has continued to exist for thousands of years. You can only watch a flying trapeze act so many times until you find yourself impulsively screaming at the TV “Just FALL and DIE already so this movie can END and I can go back to living!”And to add insult to injury, some sick sadist in the casting department thought it would be a brilliant idea to add James Stewart to this cast of sketchy carnies, which is made even more cruel by the fact that every time he pops up he reminds us that while we are watching The Greatest Show on Earth, it is not a wonderful life.
Dishonourable mentions: These movies could've easily made my list, but their exclusion does not mean they are any less weak.
-Cavalcade
-The Life of Emile Zola
-You Can't Take it With You
-How Green Was My Valley
-Mrs Miniver
-Going My Way
-An American in Paris
-Gigi
-Oliver!
-Ordinary People
-Chariots of Fire
-Out of Africa
-Rain Man
-Driving Miss Daisy
-Forrest Gump
-Braveheart
-A Beautiful Mind
